Sunday, December 13, 2009

Feels like Kathy H.

"I guess it all depends on your nature. Some people can't stand being alone. I love solitude and silence. But when I come out of it, I'm a regular talking machine. It's all or nothing for me." - Celine Dion

As has been a habit with me, drawing comparisons in real life with a book I like, I couldn’t avoid it again after I felt Never Let Me Go had actually influenced me. While reading the book, I had imagined myself as Tommy- the irritated and short-tempered guy, poor at drawing, and at the receiving end of class pranks. And then the slow change (which has been termed as enlightenment jokingly in my case).
But now, I felt closer to Kathy H. First close experience was after the launch of the magazine. How I had cherished the appreciation, but had never imagined if I would hate myself after being criticized harshly. On other occasions, as curiosity compelled me to investigate into depths of matters, I later was left feeling guilty wishing I had never thought about it. Sounds like Kathy?
But then, I felt like Kathy in another sense when the semester had ended. It was time for all to leave, and for some reasons (I questioned myself repeatedly what they were) I was supposed to leave a few days after the results. As the long list of goodbyes began with the one closest to me- Pradeep, I ensured bidding him till where was possible, and helping him with the packing and unloading of stuff. (And obtaining a Taxi, with my baritone) Though I had been so habituated to lead a solitary life, I somehow failed in the post-semester period.
The next day, the news spread (and I was sad, not receiving it first hand) Vipul was supposed to leave. By evening, it was confirmed. Saddened by the pain of Vipul (which he never showed), I sat there in his (and mine too) room. It struck me once, to give him last few moments without me, and I left for a while but returned after knowing he wasn’t spending those moments with others but rather with his laptop; playing Poker. Bidding him goodbye, like I did to Pradeep; I helped him with minute packing and unloading stuff, and remained with him until his auto was away from my sight. Now I was feeling like Kathy. Volunteering to be the carer, as all other donors had donated their final few moments to this semester. I knew I would be a donor too soon, but after they had passed.
It felt terrible, to let my friends depart and yet not be with them. Though my case was far different from Kathy’s as here it was only a matter of a month. But this was the first semester, which hadn’t brought the same pain to me, and I thanked it. Here every semester feels like a new beginning, a new chunk of life. And here I was letting go one of these chunks. Though differences came and went away, a bond had strengthened which made me feel comfortable. But Ruth and Tommy were about to leave. I had to settle with it.
The day of grade announcement, I dedicated to the ones who were to leave and create vacuum for the remaining wing. Kshitij, Piyush, Vivek and even Rohan- who though argued and irritated much, had been more acceptable and friendlier. As slowly all passed, I felt in advance a 4th yearite’s dilemma who knows he has to come back again to this building, but his friends from other departments won’t be there.
However, after all had passed; life didn’t seem unmanageable and was back to normal, dynamic and being a workaholic. (Pradeep describes this as being overworked) Sometimes, I happened to pass near a room I loved to enter, but then discovered the vast emptiness and moved on. Gradually, I discovered reasons for leaving later, worked those final days and silently passed without a goodbye when I left myself- not this place, but this semester.


Divyam Singhal said...

messing the unmessed would make a good book to read... for the blog, i feel otherwise...

Siddharth Bhattacharya said...

Thanks Divyam, I will try to be an author then following your advice :)

angelie said...

so literature too has its uses ...

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