Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Decade of Fall

2010 was perceived as the beginning of a new decade for almost everyone, but for us there is an added dimension where we shall shed our teens turning 20. At this junction, I felt an urge to analyze the previous decade, the years which also marked changes occurring in me while progressing from 10-20. Though critics marked this as a dark decade, I shall call it my ‘Decade of Fall’ but for entirely personal reasons.
Ironical though it would seem to interpret this successful decade of mine as one of fall, surprisingly it was the beginning of this decade in 2000, bringing about the most crucial turning point of my life. This single move involved my father, his company and Government of India in an announcement called transfer declaring a shift in my home and schooling from Delhi to somewhere almost unheard called Chandigarh. After the missionary school- St. John’s denied an admission ticket altogether for being late, I was admitted in arguably the most reputed school of Chandigarh. Having studied there 5 years, and exited 4 years ago I am still unsure whether its name was Bharatiya Vidya Bhavan or Bhavan Vidyalaya. What I know for sure is, it was these 5 years that suspended my life at the edge of a steep mountain slope.
Excelling in the field this school specialized in, i.e. Board results I achieved glorification by scoring the 2nd highest in the school with a whopping 95.8%, one of the rare positives of the experience in that school. However today, I fail to comprehend the utility of those marks other than wearing it as an ornament and raising my family’s head. The people here intimidated me right from the commencement of 6th class how Board exams should be one’s life’s ultimate aim. Funnily here at Bhavan, in the first ever exams I scored 89% to finish 4th compared to 5th at Delhi Public School, Dwarka, Delhi with 95.5%. With years passing, every reason for which I had been a well known (and respected) figure in DPS were sacrificed, with my close proximity to bad company since when slang language reached tip of my tongue thus gifting me an attribute I could never shed off, which happens to be the biggest blot in my persona- manner of speaking. Doom was near, when love (or infatuation) rescued me bringing a determination to bounce within 2nd from 8th class position to grab her attention.
Thankfully, a bit of my original creative soul still persisted throughout this phase, as it was these years when I created maximum collections of my own quiz books, sports magazines (of course, not for publishing) without any results, accompanied by materialistic benefits in the form of rare victories as a part of the quizzing team member of Bhavan. The awful school, obsessed with marks never bothered to inform its quizzing team of quizzes happening across the city, and participation was ridiculously low. The talents I possessed in the past decade were substituted by a single numeral in the form of Board Exam results.
Luckily, while I stood on the edge of this cliff nearing destruction some of the vision was regained as I was introduced to the JEE coaching system. Here more than clearing the exams, I knew it as an opportunity to make up for the lost past. My family members cleverly told me, IIT was the land where top minds of the nation land (which was of course, a farce) which instilled me with fervor to prove myself. As I traversed outside the prescribed syllabus often, I could feel bits of myself returning into me although potential had fell enormously. The final JEE results, with a first-attempt respectable clearance removed certain doubts about me being thwarted by the nation, but somehow I could never emulate my old self. The accompanying part was the intellectual birth in me, where a dislike of the Bhavan days and similar people, degenerated into hate after recognizing the actual motive of JEE clearance (good jobs). Solitude became a part of me to compose thoughts, and I easily became what others just keep striving for- being different, yet too different to be accepted. (Hence the paradox of society was evident respecting conventional people calling them different, and propagating the same while criticizing criticism after demanding frankness). Love interfered again, forming a substantial part of this phase when I had convinced myself of the past being an infatuation, and present ‘true love’. Things ended disappointingly, and looking back at those days I can’t help but laugh at the claims of ‘true love’. However as majority of my thoughts went into thinking about her, somewhere it became a substitute to a potential resurgence of Mathematics in me.
Surely, the 1st year at IIT remains one of the darkest irremovable periods of my life, where attitude, ego and a new found sense of rebellion overcame the widespread desire to earn, thus also refusing to identify needs of the system. As years progressed, the decade plunged into darkness, despite my CV glittered marvelously for an outsider maybe.
Somehow, the last few months provided some hopes as I stepped again into climbing the ladder trying to understand the system, alongside convincing myself of never being the same again as I once was, and sadly my aims were modified into things much worse, dark and sadistic as compared to the untainted thoughts of the previous decade.

P.S. The decade had great moments as well, which will comprise the next post.

1 comment:

Divyam Singhal said...

finally u have a good color scheme.. the header still suxx though...

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