Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Living the Unwarranted Fear

“The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.” –Albert Einstein

Being a follower of this philosophy, I had begun accepting death as just a process, in our lifetime and the thought of dying didn’t scare me. Not being optimistic about my body health, I had convinced myself 10 more years would suffice. However, recently my beliefs were shaken when I came near to an experience where I could feel closer than ever, to the hypothetical situation of a sudden death.
Living through the week with minors, with an uneven degree of body being dysfunctional, I struggled surviving the cough, headache, sickness, throbbing of ears and head, pain in stomach and back. Gradually, one-by-one my body parts were failing me, in the crucial week of minors. However, it was in this phase one strange dream made me wake up, and consider the possibility of it being a reality.
In the 3rd or 4th night, where I could neither sleep nor stay awake comfortably, I dreamt myself near to a doctor, who handed me a report. Though I am poor at biology, I could clearly understand what it said. The disease of Brain Tumor wasn’t a pleasant sight to see at first, but not something that got me off balance. Following the report, (still in my dreams) I could see the reactions of people altered towards me but yet me failing to gather the courage to tell my parents the truth. Of all the people I could consult, I was surprisingly in the Dean’s office asking for advice whether I should divulge the truth, who immediately reprimanded me for still standing in front of him. As I proceeded having bid a final goodbye to the college that had harassed me, and walking towards home I started experiencing a mix of feelings. I could feel sad, at the things I had hoped for in this life, the changes I had wished to see around myself, sad at never coming close enough to conquer the field I had desired for- Mathematical research. Yet when I reached home, all these emotions were gone and I could see my mother’s face clearly. I was already uncomfortable facing her, and when the news was delivered I could see both the faces from an aerial view- her and mine, with tears in eyes, but her disbelief being more pronounced.
And it was this sight, which ended my dream, made me wake up and take notice of the fact the tear was real, it was in my eyes in the real world. I was not ready to die, and even more afraid of dying a slow death, with the ones I love knowing my fate within months. I couldn’t actually visualize who all amongst friends was actually moved enough, and neither do I want to consider that, for I don’t want my friends to feel good about me in such a fashion, where they realize something’s value after losing it. The positive side was hatred had vanished mutually.
I wished I had ten more years, I had always said I would be satisfied to die after 30. But then, I was convinced I am just another mortal, afraid of death and somehow after reaching 30 I would ask for 10 more years. The feeling of coming face-to-face with slow death was something I would like to forget, for it was one of those unnerving moments in which you feel somehow the memory of the last few seconds could be erased.

2 comments:

HacKitT said...

This REALLY REALLY freaked me out! I mean, WTF...

vivek said...

sahi........
i have kind of same feelings right now !!!!

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