Friday, May 7, 2010

Feeling lowly, Feeling lonely

Ironically as things happen so often with me, the day when I was meant to rejoice the end of my 2nd academic year, I was feeling low, immensely low. And as always, not due to a single factor but a chain of factors, I plummeted into the deep pool of thoughts yet again. Was it heart-break, was it deception? Yeah, a little of both. Or maybe none at all.

Getting into relationships hasn't been something I have contemplated since the last time, I came face-to-face with rejection, but nevertheless I have spoken much more to girls this semester. And finding the names of one of those with whom I talked (chatted) maximum being connected with my best friend, (continually not once) I was in a confused state of mind. I couldn't enjoy the moment like the others, teasing him. But I was confused, was it due to the girl, or wouldn't I have accompanied them had it been any other girl as well? Definitely I was feeling jealous, but of whom? Him for being closer to her, or her for being the new source of attention for him? I didn't know the answer.

This thought didn't engage me as much as the latter one, which included yet another rejection. At the end of yet another year, some things remained similar. Friends having promised to be room-mates, turning down in the end leaving me the receiver rather than the chooser in the Stable Roommates Algorithm. It reminded me of yet another foolish compromise I made last year, allowing my two good friends to be room-mates even when I would have been preferred by one of them, in his first thoughts. I saw it as deception, not because I didn't expect it altogether but just because it was a breach of a promise. All these days, I was finding the lack of principles of friendship in even the best people around me and the tendency to get involved in give-take relationships increasing. And it was yet another of those sessions where my mind didn't rest without thoughts, when my friend- someone I relied for constant friendship, turning me down for better benefits elsewhere. It hurt because I now knew he didn't agree to my principle of 'friendship over choosing local optimals', and also because I somewhere felt again I was being exploited. I don't even know if people around me have realized, the amount of help they extract from me which I have rarely turned down. Maybe not, because I am incapable of teaching them during the exams.

This feeling of nausea became dominant, realizing even he had been at the receiving end of helps from my side. Not that I wanted him to repay for it, but if he followed the principles of give-take then I supposed he was compelled to. Things continued as usual, others rejected me with equal ease (as always), me being the lone one standing besides a satisfied lot. It felt low, as if I was missing the self-respect yet standing with these people. But then, I knew the truth. Things shall continue this way for the rest of the years, and I may have to learn adjusting with it. In the end, everything helped to make me feel worse- him, her and his roommate.

PS. In this post without names, I would like to congratulate Gautam for his project and comment that I found him, an exception to this rule of no friendship.


pgm said...

Bhatta, I don't know if you ever re-read your blog articles. I sometimes do mine. Some of them scare me, others I fail to understand the point of, rarely do I feel the way I did when I wrote them.
If you ever re-read this article, I wonder what'd be your reaction!

Siddharth Bhattacharya said...

Yeah I did read it again.
I suppose I am a little adamant about the interpretation while reading anything, and don't let other interpretations arrive once I have inferred something from the writing style. And since this is my piece of writing, and I know what I meant, quite impossible for me to derive another scary meaning.

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